To be loved
by BikiniTheSuperPug
Summary: Love is always given, to or by one’s self. Some take it for granted. But some never get enough of it to begin with.


Esdese was striding down the palace's hallway. She just had another boring meeting in the conference room. The prime minister wanted to know about her next move against the rebellions so she had no other choices but to waste her time explaining and putting up with those cowards. She would win no matter what, she always did. Those whose minds couldn't even dare to dream to be as half as powerful as her for any reasons shouldn't ever doubt that fact. The sound of her boots on the cold, marble floor was getting harder while those irritating memories of their stupid questions and nervousness emerged in her head. This commander position sure did bring her a lot of pleasure for endless battles, but sometimes she only wished to slaughter them all so that she wouldn't have to be frustrated by those weaklings. Damn it, why were the strong ones so few that they let this world surrounded with such pathetic individuals ?

Esdeath turned left at the end of the hallway, heading straight to the jeager's common room. She already had missions for them and the itch for a fight within her was starting to get unbearable. Her energy must be spent on some interesting activities. Otherwise, she was going to get overly upset. The last time it happened, her entire office was destroyed . So this time, she would plant her destruction somewhere else instead. Truth to be told, she quite cherished her office.

Swaggering her way passed the palace's grassy yard, there left only one more turn and she would reach her destination. Composing herself, Esdese took a deep breath, brushing off her obnoxious feeling so that it wouldn't put up a dreadful atmosphere the moment she came in. They were all competent and reliable subordinates. None of them had anything to do with her frustration. On the contrary, they might even become the magic cure which she needed right now. Torturing was fascinating to admit, but so was spending time with her team. She found that ridiculous at first, that a person liked her was able to enjoy others' company, especially from people who was below her level. However, gradually, she felt glad that she was.

The door had appeared before her eyes. Esdese's pace started to quicken without her notice, and finally, the door's golden knob was in her hand. But to her amazement, it wasn't her the one who turned it.

The wooden material opened, revealing a beautiful, gentle looking woman. One of her arms carried a young girl, probably her child due to their similar appearance. Both have bright, blond hair and mahogany eyes. The moment the mother turned around and faced her, a brief flash of surprise crossed over lovely feature. Nonetheless, she politely bowed her head and greeted Esdese warmly.

" Good morning, general." The awkwardness was no where to be spotted in her voice.

" Good morning." Esdese was a little taken a back, but did a great job hiding it. " Can i have the pleasure to know who this graceful woman is ?" She inquired lightly.

" Oh, my deepest apology, captain Esdese." It was Bols, whom she least expected, was answering her. " This is Isabella, my loving wife and our adorable daughter, Sophie." He stepped closer to where they stood, introducing his family to her with easily detected delight combining with pride.

" I see." Esdese had had a good chance observing her guests during their talk. She should have figured out. Those affectionate auras, kind-hearted traits, full of sincerity... No doubt they were Bols's beloveds. And happiness surrounding them is liked halo around the sun. Might get your eyes hurt from how glorious they were. Nevertheless, you would keep looking. Because the lights given off could only be described with a word Esdese never thought using one day. " Peaceful". Yes, they were peaceful and took effect on her istantly, comforting all her irritation, lifting all the heaviness off her heart.

" It was an amazing honor to meet you, general Esdese. Bols told us about your incredible achievements so many times at home. We are grateful to you from the bottom of our heart for all your dedication, my General." Isabella sweetly smiled at her daughter, who was also having a cheerful grin on her face as to show how much she agreed with mommy. Their eyes exchanged such immeasurable amount of appreciation when they met Esdese's ice blue ones again.

" Don't worry about it. I will definitely defeat any rebellious armies that threaten to overthrow this empire. No enemies was allowed to do you harm on my watch. And that was also thanked to your husband right here. He had helped me a lot in several fights and we wouldn't always be so full of energy to complete our missions without his excellent cooking." Esdese could see Bols was blusing furiously under his mask hearing her praising him. His bare neck and ears reddened. So she gave his family an assuring nod, deciding to let him get the chance to hold his appearance " But I'm afraid our chatting time has run out. I'm here to deliver a confidential job which has to be executed the sooner the better. It was truly nice to meet you, Isabella and Sophie. I wish you two all the best to come." She honestly did. Although that was just a quick conversation, she could acknowledge a sense of pure compassion from them, which was very rare for people to possess for how life was going now.

" Thank you, General Esdese. We will be taking our leave now. Say goodbye to your daddy, Sophie." The mother told her child and the girl waved hand to her father. " Bye bye, daddy. Please be home soon and don't make captain Esdese sad about you." She innocently said.

" Ahh, someone seems to be wise before her years here." Esdese amusingly exclaimed.

Bols patted his daughter's head in a endearing manner then finally saw them off. He closed the door and turned to his commander. " You have always been her idol, captain Esdese. She will beg me without stopping just to have me tell her more stories about you." Bols sratched his bald head with one hand through the fabric of his mask, embarrassingly muttering to her.

" You have a nice family, Bols. No wonder why you're such an expert when it comes to caring about others." Esdese commented heartily. " However, it is true that i came here to get us down to business. Some western tribes have discovered a new species of danger beasts. Those beast might not be giant in size, but their feets are unimaginably fast. The people of the tribes there came up with the idea of riding them to other villages to robb farmers off their produce. They are expericenced archers and calvaries, even the royal force has tasted defeat going against them. So the prime minister himself entrusted this to me. We are preparing for war. Food is essential to keep our soldiers in their best condition. We are not failing this mission.

Any questions ?"

" No, captain. We are ready to work and we won't let you down." They all claimed at the same time.

" Good, we are setting off in a few minutes." Esdese awarded them with one last satisfied look and exited the room.

———————

The mission turned out successful. Well, that was no surprise since the empire's strongest and her chosen warriors had taken care of it. They got back to the palace quite early, before the sun completely set and darkness covered the sky. Everyone was in good mood. That night they had a small party to celebrate. Since Bols had his family visited today, he became the lucky guy and had to show off his cooking talent, which Bols didn't mind at all. After having filled their stomachs with plenty of his delicious dishes, they all agreed to put an end to the eating part, moving to the discussing one.

The subject was about families. Everyone was so eager to share their memorable moments with parents or siblings. Even Kurome and Seryuu enthusiastically took part in the talk. No matter how things were at the present, those golden days in the past stayed unchanged.

They took turns telling stories. Some were funny, like the one that Wave was scolded by his mother for throwing mud in the face of the boy next door because he had broken his tiny, wooden ship but never seemed sorry about it nor did he apologize. Some were adorable, such as Bols's about whose name, his or his wife's Sophie was going to call first when she learned to talk. Others were deeply touching, since that would never be happening again because their loved ones had gone forever, or had chosen a different path that led to two different destinations, liked those of Kurome, Run or Seryuu.

However, they all had something about their mother to bring up. Diverse stories, one distinct from another. Nevertheless, a mother's love remained the main point. Kurome, being sold by her own parents, but already had Akame to fill the void. The bond between them could easily be considered equal to any parental affection, if not stronger.

Esdese listened to those carefully and didn't miss a word. The more she took in, the more speechless she felt.

What were her stories ? What did she have ?

She commented, making jokes a few times. They laughed together at her interactions, admiring how sharp she was about judging situations. But the questions on her family never came up. Perhaps they just forgot in the flow of joy, or they knew it was too personal for them to initiate it.

Anyway it was, she felt ironically lucky that they didn't ask.

Later that night, Esdese was lying on the bed in her chamber, having her hardest time finding a way to sleep. She tossed and turned, pacing around the place than setting down again. Despite her efforts, sleep never reached her, only millions of reasons to stay more awake.

A mother.

How was it like to have one ?

Hers had left far too soon before Esdese could be aware of anything. It's not that she didn't love her father or experienced a hard time growing up under his care. She was the strong one. Nothing could ever challenge her on her way to get what she wanted. In short, she didn't lack of anything due to her overwhelming power. And that was all thanked to her father.

Still, it was hollow.

All she ever learned about her mother it's that she was weak, so consequently, she perished. What was the color of her hair ? Did it bear similarity to her ? Was her mother good at any fields beside hunting ? Was her voice full of domination like her father's ? Or was it as clear as a bell ? Did she love her daughter ?

All above would forever be mysteries to Esdese.

She didn't notice at first. She was the chief's daughter and the youngest hunter in her clan. Everyone treated her with respect and welcoming attitude. The children in her village assumed her their leader themselves. They would go to any lengths to get her attention. Life was fine until one day, a girl who usually practiced swordsmanship with her get injured. It was a cut in her scalp. Esdese didn't think it was serious but they returned to that girl's house any way. The moment her mother saw blood, she immediately rushed to where they stood. Esdese remembered being confused by how worried the woman was, not understanding why a kid of that age couldn't tend to a cut herself. She told it to others, and that was when she realized, she was the only one who felt puzzled by the obvious.

Because she had a father who wanted his only daughter to survive at all cost. So his solution was to teach her to be independent as soon as possible. And because he was a father, his manner of showing love was different from that of a mother. He would praise her over how accurate she was at delivering deathly blows, not on how pretty she was, nor noticing how her hair was screaming to have a good combing.

Once there was a boy whose mouth opened just to boast about how gorgeous his necklace was. He said that it was made from a fang of a reptile-form danger beast. Other boys had had enough of him and tried to anger him by telling him ornaments were meant for girls. Esdese heard it on her way to the lake nearby to have a bath. She stared at her reflection for the longest time that day, wracking her brain out to imagine what kind of ornaments would fit her. But she somehow found it was so pathetic of herself, wanting to be like others. Giving up, she finished the bath and got back to her house. There she met her father, his hand holding a ribbon. He said a girl in the clan had asked her mother to make her this thing as a gift, and suggested Esdese take it to show her family their appreciation. Esdese received the black material with a cross embroidered on it from her father. After a while, she decided it would be prideful to wear the sigil of her clan on her head, so she took her father advice. She never put it off during her childhood since that day. Was it only for the fact that she felt proud, or because she just desired to have a mother so dearly that she considered it was from her own without awareness ? She had no interest to find out and would rather went with the first one.

Now she had fell for Tatsumi, she knew how irresistible love could be in the aspect of changing people. The way she acted towards him, the warm feeling flowing into her was unmatchable. She had read many books in the palace's library, so she thought she had had it coming. However, those knowledge vapored right the second his face met her eyes. A mother's love was also love. Was it able to do the same to her ? To turn her into a young maiden with solely a wish to be loved in her heart, instead of an agressive, blood thirsty general if she ever had a chance to experience it ?

She wasn't sure. But it must be wonderful. From the look on her subordinates in their previous talk, it was easily confirmed. Contentment along with a sense of longing were heavily implied beneath every gestures. Battlefield was her sanctuary of pleasure, yes. However, when it was over, everything would become emptiness in a blink of an eye. She continued to be the way she was before the fight again. This type of affection was nothing of such. None of her men was with his or her mother at that moment. And their eyes glowed with fullness, one you were unable to have unless you were pleased with what life had given you, unless you weren't still seeking for an unknown piece in the depth of your soul, which could only be found where you never expected it to be. The piece that only came into light when someone meant to give you unconditionally. In Esdese's position now, that was almost hopeless.

Once a mother's love had stayed, it would never truly left. It helped remained our sanity through our darkest abyss. It gave birth to the path leading other's love to our heart and ours to theirs.

The path called "compassion".

Unfortunately, that was something Esdese would forever stay foreign to, since she had made her choice to walk down the wrong road. Instead of searching what her heart yearned for, she insisted on covered it up by enjoying people's suffering. She was too ashamed to admit her own weakness. She believed a strong individual was defined by having no vulnerability. But little did she know, it was being vulnerable, being powerless that created the toughest warriors. Because at the end of the day, your biggest enemy was no one else but the one standing in the mirror when you staring at it.

Esdese's time was running out. Every actions had consequences.

Hers were getting closer than ever as the first ray of the sun teared across the night sky. Another day had begun.

To seek other's ultimate pain or to find herself the most precious jewel of one's life, she couldn't have it both ways.

However, the pursuit of being loved was the basic need of every human beings. And for one whose life even till the end couldn't sated it, that was, no matter what, the absolute definition of tragedy.


End file.
